Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
