Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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