Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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