There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
