put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
