No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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