i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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