i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
