I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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