I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
