I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
