I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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