i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
