The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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