i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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