Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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