There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
