So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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