her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
