If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
