My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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