i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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