I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
