I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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