Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
