I just pynch a tree in the face
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
