Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I deserve this hangover.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
