I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
