Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
