just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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