Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
third nipple confirmed
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
