you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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