Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize