NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
