I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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