When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
