it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
