It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
