Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
