I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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