Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
