why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
