Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
