There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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