my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
