3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
