last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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