I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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