im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
