This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
