I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
