also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
birth control should be required to get into college
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dick very happy bro
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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