Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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