sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
