Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
