Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
