no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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