Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
