you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We had to coat check the pizza.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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