i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize