if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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