i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
